Dread

There are many things I dread...like going to the dentist. More than one bad experience in my childhood has made me dread going to the dentist. I'd rather go to the Gyno everyday than go to the dentist! Probably why I've made it a priority to find the perfect pediatric dentist for my children. We definitely use Nitro...something I doubt was ever used in the late 70's!

Well I now have something else to dread and I am sure in the days and months to come..I'll be adding to that list!

When I go to put the kids down to sleep...their questions start. Sometimes I just don't know how to answer them. It truly breaks my heart and sucks what little emotional equilibrium I still have at 8:00pm. I keep telling them that daddy loves them and will be here for them whenever they want (luckily he has been there these past few days which actually make it real hard for me...maybe not so much for them). So I know to a certain extent they don't feel abandoned.

I'm the one that feels abandoned, left, thrown out with the trash, etc...it's hard to keep those feelings out of my answers. Because I am just plain...mad...mad...mad...mad...mad! I was in this for the long haul. I didn't hit 43 and then decide that I wanted a do over!! I don't like to share and I really feel like my time with them is now about sharing. I don't want to wake up without them. I don't want to spend a holiday without them. But I may have to and it pisses me off!!!

As I let out a big sigh...I know the worst isn't over yet....I dread that!