New Year ~ New Blog

Well, it is a brand New Year!  I've decided to change my blog!  Dedicating it to the things I LOVE most!  RVing, Food and Entertaining!  I never thought I'd be an RV Momma.  In fact it was my sister and her family that got us started.  I thought she was a total loon when she told me they were purchasing a 36 foot travel trailer!  What for?  I remember asking her.  She is so practical..."to save on hotel costs when we travel".  Hmmm...she did remarry and they essentially became the Brady Bunch...his 2...her 2 and then they added 1 together.  I still wasn't convinced...that was...until they invited us to join them!  Now...I feel that I should mention this...I always LOVED camping!  My father took us all every chance he got!  I have the greatest memories of roughing it in the wilderness!  In my early twenties I spent countless vacations "roughing" it with college friends in a tent with a hibachi and ice chest!  This was nothing of the sort!  So on our very first RVing experience with my sister and her family in her 36 foot "mobile home.." fancy kitchen, dining and bedrooms..I've got so say I was HOOKED!  It was GLAMPING at its' best!  We now plan at least 4 trips a year in our RV's!  My mother, father, the other sister and my brother and his wife have all enjoyed the trips with us!  So now we are a family of RV'ers!  I constantly scour Pinterest and Google recipes for our Glamping Adventures!  I thought I'd share this one with you...a very simple recipe taken from Trisha Yearwood's Recipe Book for Charleston Cheese Dip!  The only addition that I have made is to add the Jalapenos!  Remember...this is the SPICY Tales of an RV Momma!  Growing up in the Southwest...you just HAVE to HAVE them!  It's a staple...sort of like butter!  So here is the recipe...easy to make, store and serve!  Enjoy!!

How Time Has Flown!

It's funny how things change!  A few years ago my marriage fell apart.  I fell apart.  Today I recognize very little of my Blogger page.  It could just be dementia...or amnesia...I don't really know!

My children and I are in a good place!  I learned to put my big girl panties on & pick myself up.  I quickly realized that my anger, bitterness, sadness could have changed me and my children for the worse!  I thought I'd be married for a lifetime.  I expected to be married for a lifetime.  I am not a child of divorce.  It was hard to come to terms with it.  My ex was a child of divorce and I saw first hand how anger, bitterness and sadness can consume you and your children.  I was adamant that I was not going to allow it to happen. 

I am happy to say that my EX and I are parenting our children together as friends.  For whatever drove us apart never involved them.  To carry hate and resentment made no sense.  I mean don't get me wrong there was a time (possibly) that I may have stuck him with a fork.  Today...that's just not the case.

So...as I look back and continue to MOVE forward..slowly since my old  bones just don't move as they used to...I am happy for my future and happy to be back blogging!! 

Dread

There are many things I dread...like going to the dentist. More than one bad experience in my childhood has made me dread going to the dentist. I'd rather go to the Gyno everyday than go to the dentist! Probably why I've made it a priority to find the perfect pediatric dentist for my children. We definitely use Nitro...something I doubt was ever used in the late 70's!

Well I now have something else to dread and I am sure in the days and months to come..I'll be adding to that list!

When I go to put the kids down to sleep...their questions start. Sometimes I just don't know how to answer them. It truly breaks my heart and sucks what little emotional equilibrium I still have at 8:00pm. I keep telling them that daddy loves them and will be here for them whenever they want (luckily he has been there these past few days which actually make it real hard for me...maybe not so much for them). So I know to a certain extent they don't feel abandoned.

I'm the one that feels abandoned, left, thrown out with the trash, etc...it's hard to keep those feelings out of my answers. Because I am just plain...mad...mad...mad...mad...mad! I was in this for the long haul. I didn't hit 43 and then decide that I wanted a do over!! I don't like to share and I really feel like my time with them is now about sharing. I don't want to wake up without them. I don't want to spend a holiday without them. But I may have to and it pisses me off!!!

As I let out a big sigh...I know the worst isn't over yet....I dread that!

Looking Back

Looking back at these posts I wonder what happened. Although looking at this today, I already know the answer. Around the time of my last post things dramatically changed. My husband, although we were never legally married (that's a separate post I am sure I will reserve for the future - that will touch on the whole "I didn't choose you" argument), started a new job and lost a dramatic amount of weight. He became a workout fiend. I supported it although I didn't whole heartedly join in. Should I have? Life's a bunch of choices...it turns on a dime...this I know. His behavior changed. He started going out to the "sports" bar with his friends...the lies started...the questions built up...the snooping began then the ugly truth reared its' head. Or did it? He says "not".

I am not a trusting or forgiving person. I tried. I failed.

Today I find myself trying to pick up the pieces of my life while trying to explain to my two young children (6 and 8) why daddy is not coming home. They went through this in September. He came back and we tried to make it work but there were too many truths and too many lies to get past. Then 2 nights ago, I found myself in an almost crazed state of mind...kind of like the scene from one of my favorite movies "Waiting to Exhale" where Angela Bassett's character, Bernadine, goes to her husband's closet and takes all of his stuff outside and burns it! I didn't burn his clothing but I did pack all of his things and put them outside which he called "Crazy"!

I'd had it. I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't live wondering if where he was telling me he was going was a lie anymore. He became selfish in my eyes....always choosing to do things for himself instead of for us and our children. So I asked him to leave...for good.

I've already filed for child support which will most likely take a while to finalize so now my financial future is in jeopardy although I work full-time. My children's financial future is in jeopardy...their emotional future is in jeopardy and I struggle every minute of the day wondering if I made the right decision. Even back then. Should I have taken better stock of my physical state? Should I have worked harder on my relationship? Would things be different today? Sliding doors...anyone remember that movie? Another one of my favorites!

I am sure looking back on this post 8 months from now....things will be so very different. I am both afraid and excited about the future and adapting to the challenges that are going to befall us. I hope I make the right choice.

Summer

I find myself lately wanting the Summer to be over. I am ready for the daily school grind (I think!). I don't know. I think my Type A personality and OCD need the structure. I've found myself a little lost this past month and extremely disorganized...very unlike me.

Don't get me wrong....I've loved our Summer. With 3 weeks left before school we still have plenty of fun things planned. (I'm already reminiscing about the roadtrip to CA...and my two parrots squawking every 15 minutes "Are we there yet?"...the firework burns...the paintball welts....swimmer's ear, bug bites and my sunburn.)

It's been a non-stop whirlwind HOT Summer but I think I'm ready for the Fall or at least some cooler temperatures! San Diego left me wanting more of that and maybe that is where my funk comes from. I'm always sad to leave SD and it tends to stick with me for a long while. I plan our vacation around SD every year. A little selfish...I know.

So Funk or not I'm just gonna have to get through it. I tend to look forward to the "BIG" things on the calendar. I muddle through the middle until I get to the reward.

Next BIG one is Ava's first day at Kindergarten. I'm anxious and not prepared for another child with homework but I'll do it along with ballet, cheer leading, karate and flag football. Maybe I'm not ready for the Summer to be over.

Jeez, I'm such a whiner!

Somewhere over the rainbow!

I've come to realize lately that happiness is grown and cultivated like a tomato. Tomato?? Makes me immediately long for that bruchetta recipe I so dearly love...can you tell I haven't eaten anything for dinner? Ok..if you call the sliced edges of grilled cheese dinner...then I've eaten!)

If you don't care about your happiness it will shrivel up and DIE.

Lately I've not watered my happiness garden. (Sounds like a line from one of the SkiniMAX shows on late night cable!)

I've decided that I am going to try...very hard...to do things that cultivate my happiness. This won't be easy.

Remember...I'm a whiner.

Angry

I am angry. I've been more angry than happy this week and I don't really know how to process it. Some of the anger is caused by my own insecurity.

Ernie is on a fitness kick and has lost 15 pounds. He runs while the kids eat dinner and then he goes to the gym when they go to sleep. I am angry. Angry that I now have to cook less fattening meals. Angry that he turns my food away and that he wants nothing to do with bread and angry that he seems to find all the time in the world to do what he wants on a daily basis.

Went to visit friends (mostly his) for Memorial Day. Got saddled with everyones kids plus my own the first night while the daddy's jammed with their band and the mommies...who knows where those frickin mommies were. I was the only mommy there so I got the kids. Not happy!

Next morning made sure that we were going to do something as a family...go to the Zoo! Was asked if I wouldn't mind taking all the mommies kids to the zoo because they had things to do in the afternoon and really needed those kids out of their hair? WHAT??? Come on!!!! When do I get to leave my kids with you and enjoy some alone time? Apparently never...as has been my experience staying with this particular group of friends. This is why I do not stay at other people's homes when I am on vacation...I like to be able to do my own thing and not get saddled into someone else schedule or become their weekend babysitter. But again..my fault...I knew the potential was there. I let it happen! Angry!!

This morning...RING RING RING RING RING...goes my doorbell at 6:00am...I am jolted out of bed...still asleep running towards the door. I was sure that was the doorbell ring of an emergency. RING RING RING RING RING. I open the door to the neighbors delinquent kid asking if I could get his frisbee from my backyard. "Honey...why would you ring my doorbell so early for that? Because my mommy told me to." ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME? I am ANGRY! ANGRY as hell! Ava kept me up until 2:00 am with an asthma and coughing attack she's finally asleep and your mom sent you over here for your frisbee. What is wrong with that woman...many things I am sure!!

So I sit hear...blogging...venting...whinning...angry...tired. Mostly tired! I am a whiner. Trying to process my anger...I know I'll get over it...but seems like alot of anger for the week in addition to the nominal angriness that normally occurs on a weekly basis.

Calgon take me away!!! Or better yet...Stoli's help me forget this week!

Put a fork in me....I am done!!