There are many things I dread...like going to the dentist. More than one bad experience in my childhood has made me dread going to the dentist. I'd rather go to the Gyno everyday than go to the dentist! Probably why I've made it a priority to find the perfect pediatric dentist for my children. We definitely use Nitro...something I doubt was ever used in the late 70's!
Well I now have something else to dread and I am sure in the days and months to come..I'll be adding to that list!
When I go to put the kids down to sleep...their questions start. Sometimes I just don't know how to answer them. It truly breaks my heart and sucks what little emotional equilibrium I still have at 8:00pm. I keep telling them that daddy loves them and will be here for them whenever they want (luckily he has been there these past few days which actually make it real hard for me...maybe not so much for them). So I know to a certain extent they don't feel abandoned.
I'm the one that feels abandoned, left, thrown out with the trash, etc...it's hard to keep those feelings out of my answers. Because I am just plain...mad...mad...mad...mad...mad! I was in this for the long haul. I didn't hit 43 and then decide that I wanted a do over!! I don't like to share and I really feel like my time with them is now about sharing. I don't want to wake up without them. I don't want to spend a holiday without them. But I may have to and it pisses me off!!!
As I let out a big sigh...I know the worst isn't over yet....I dread that!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Looking Back
Looking back at these posts I wonder what happened. Although looking at this today, I already know the answer. Around the time of my last post things dramatically changed. My husband, although we were never legally married (that's a separate post I am sure I will reserve for the future - that will touch on the whole "I didn't choose you" argument), started a new job and lost a dramatic amount of weight. He became a workout fiend. I supported it although I didn't whole heartedly join in. Should I have? Life's a bunch of choices...it turns on a dime...this I know. His behavior changed. He started going out to the "sports" bar with his friends...the lies started...the questions built up...the snooping began then the ugly truth reared its' head. Or did it? He says "not".
I am not a trusting or forgiving person. I tried. I failed.
Today I find myself trying to pick up the pieces of my life while trying to explain to my two young children (6 and 8) why daddy is not coming home. They went through this in September. He came back and we tried to make it work but there were too many truths and too many lies to get past. Then 2 nights ago, I found myself in an almost crazed state of mind...kind of like the scene from one of my favorite movies "Waiting to Exhale" where Angela Bassett's character, Bernadine, goes to her husband's closet and takes all of his stuff outside and burns it! I didn't burn his clothing but I did pack all of his things and put them outside which he called "Crazy"!
I'd had it. I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't live wondering if where he was telling me he was going was a lie anymore. He became selfish in my eyes....always choosing to do things for himself instead of for us and our children. So I asked him to leave...for good.
I've already filed for child support which will most likely take a while to finalize so now my financial future is in jeopardy although I work full-time. My children's financial future is in jeopardy...their emotional future is in jeopardy and I struggle every minute of the day wondering if I made the right decision. Even back then. Should I have taken better stock of my physical state? Should I have worked harder on my relationship? Would things be different today? Sliding doors...anyone remember that movie? Another one of my favorites!
I am sure looking back on this post 8 months from now....things will be so very different. I am both afraid and excited about the future and adapting to the challenges that are going to befall us. I hope I make the right choice.
I am not a trusting or forgiving person. I tried. I failed.
Today I find myself trying to pick up the pieces of my life while trying to explain to my two young children (6 and 8) why daddy is not coming home. They went through this in September. He came back and we tried to make it work but there were too many truths and too many lies to get past. Then 2 nights ago, I found myself in an almost crazed state of mind...kind of like the scene from one of my favorite movies "Waiting to Exhale" where Angela Bassett's character, Bernadine, goes to her husband's closet and takes all of his stuff outside and burns it! I didn't burn his clothing but I did pack all of his things and put them outside which he called "Crazy"!
I'd had it. I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't live wondering if where he was telling me he was going was a lie anymore. He became selfish in my eyes....always choosing to do things for himself instead of for us and our children. So I asked him to leave...for good.
I've already filed for child support which will most likely take a while to finalize so now my financial future is in jeopardy although I work full-time. My children's financial future is in jeopardy...their emotional future is in jeopardy and I struggle every minute of the day wondering if I made the right decision. Even back then. Should I have taken better stock of my physical state? Should I have worked harder on my relationship? Would things be different today? Sliding doors...anyone remember that movie? Another one of my favorites!
I am sure looking back on this post 8 months from now....things will be so very different. I am both afraid and excited about the future and adapting to the challenges that are going to befall us. I hope I make the right choice.
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